its been forever.
i'm writing this because i've been looking for a way to vent about the past year and a half that i've been gone for from this site. i think it's safe to say that the reasons for staying active on here are no more. i'm older, busier, and things have not been well in life, and ironically i have no way to translate that artistically.
in the next year i am going through a very frightening shift, if i don't decide to kill myself first, that is. i'm retiring from my job that i've had for almost 6 years as of right now, and other than the savings in my bank account, i have seldom of an idea of what i want to do for the rest of my life. couple that with the fact that 2016 actually happened the way that it did, and 2017 hasn't been kind on me both physically and mentally, and the afterlife is all i can think of as of late.
my last journal, back in september 2015, was an edgy attempt in humor, but i felt no reason to disclose what my life had become, because i find through the culmination of my own decisions and the people that i chose to associate myself with, that no one gives a shit. i had moved to the united kingdom in february of that year, in between two towns (huntingdon and peterborough, for those who still have a grudge on me and wish to end my life in some well calculated plan of vengeance, due to the cyber-terrors i decided to bring onto you when i was a teenager). if you've never been to the united kingdom, or you've never been to the area where i currently live, allow me to enlighten you:
it's very barren. it's in the middle of nowhere, there are farms and countryside as far as you can see, and getting out and about to run errands and do things under the umbrella of 'fun' are a hassle. but my job pays well for a single, low-maintenance person like myself, so i can't complain on that aspect.
my problems started with the move to this country, after living overseas in countries in which english wasn't the primary language for four years. but i lived in populated places where escape from the usual was quite easy when i had the time off. i figured since i lived in a country where i can converse with people and not looked at like a dirty foreigner looking to taint the community with my stereotyped cultural disrespect, that my life would be a bit easier at work as well as outside of work.
one thing i've learned about assuming and implicating in life, is that it's a wild gamble that can always come back to bite you.
my workplace consisted of all married people on the shift that i worked. if you've never worked with married people before, i can tell you that a lot of work is probably going to be spent talking about their woes of their significant other does to drive them crazy in their household, or how they didn't anticipate life so different when you're bonded by a title to another human being. their ideas of 'fun' during their off time was dramatically different from mine.
'hey pillory-hymn. you wanna come by my place and have a few beers and watch the game?'
'pillory-hymn, i'd go out, but [the wife wants me back by (insert time here)/the husband doesn't like me going out without him], so i can't do it, but you can chill at my place and drink with us if you want!'
'i'm fine with going out tonight, but do you mind if my moody husband/wife tags along?'
in short, plans never followed through, and friendships ended early because i didn't want to be a cuckold in everyone's marriage relationship. so i spent my time alone, at home, finding new hobbies that most found useless or strange. then most people at work started crazy rumors about me, and i couldn't go a day without hearing something asinine about me. everyone had something fucking stupid to say, and eventually i learned to tune it out and i made it a point to keep away from anyone new or familiar, for fear that i'd ruin yet another possible relationship or friendship.
in june of that year, i met a new friend. let's call him dan. dan was outspoken, and didn't care much for people and their feelings over trivial things. he was blunt with people. he held no emotional, nor physical punches, regardless of whoever it was. he used all of this to really get to know people, as well as exploit the faults of others for the world to see. dan saw that i wasn't some hermit or weirdo, and actually had a lot in common with me, so we became friends for longer than a few weeks.
dan brought a lot of opportunities forth for me, and i never asked for them, which made me believe that he was looking out for me as much as i were for him. his physical features made him highly more attractive than me for sure, and he was a huge social butterfly, which started more conflict with those that i didn't want to be associated with. people wanted to hang out with him, they wanted to be around him, and they made sure that i knew. dan would try to make them reconsider, and eventually saw that it was best to outcast himself from these people like i had, because 'they are poison', as he would tell me.
we spent our time getting high, listening to music, going to london, and doing things young people got into these days. we could talk about anything, we could argue with each other and immediately see our faults and apologise, and it was fucking great.
but then we got told that the both of us are getting sent for work in turkey, in december 2015. for seven long months. we were excited, but we knew that the job and living standards were going to be shitty.
this is where what my therapist calls, 'the spiral' started.
turkey was not fun, and it's something i can't mentally erase from my mind, as much as i try. we spent the first six months dealing with unwelcoming locals, terrible living standards (in which i lived in a small room with 7 other people) and a work schedule that was pretty awful as well. the workplace was just as toxic, and it really brought out the ugly in people. to my astoundment, dan and i met an individual who stood out and immediately became our third musketeer, so lets name him evan. evan was quiet, but he heard everything, and once you got him drunk, he would tell dan and myself his problems of being younger than most and dealing with the pressure.
it was like listening to myself when i was a drunk 19 year old. it was then i found solace in helping young evan see his wrongs and to set his sights past the ugly present and to work on making his future something to look forward to. evan was plagued by bad situations during our time in turkey. his grandmother passed, his girlfriends' parents wouldn't approve of his proposal to get married, and he was suffering from vertigo and insomnia, and the medication he was given to treat these illnesses made him a shell of his former self. it was sad to see him the way he was, and dan and i were there for him as he tried to better himself.
one day, i run into dan in a drunken stupor, and he admits to the night before where evan and him took sleep meds and drank to get achieve a pretty drastic high effect, which is why i wouldn't advocate in doing that unless you're just that extreme. what dan didn't know was that there were others who lived in our room, and saw everything.
in my line of work, substance abuse along the lines of prescribed medication is inexcusable. so there was an individual in our room, one that all three of us disliked, and one that will not be named, simply due to the fact that thinking of this person boils a rage in me. i normally don't spend my emotion of hate onto someone, but i wish the worst for this person. i hate this person with every fibre in my being.
this person decides to tell the authorities and the higher ups in my workplace that he overheard all three of us in the act of substance abuse. simply because this person didn't like us, and thought we were out to 'get them', they tried to present us to everyone like a feast for the taking. we were under investigation for the month of july of 2016, and it's hard to describe the feeling of your life being pried into to prove a point, so i'll put it this way.
i wanted to end my life for something i wasn't even apart of. everyone thought i was an addict for prescribed medication, that dan and evan were my 'dealers', that i'd do anything to get my fix. the worst part of all these rumors, was that i couldn't address them, because i would only be implicating myself in a shitstorm that i shouldn't even be in. it's like walking down the sidewalk, with the cops behind you, and they tell you 'if you act out of line, your life is over' as people insult your family and throw things at you. it's something i wouldn't wish on anyone.
after the investigation was over, they found out that i was innocent, but dan and evan ended up losing their jobs, and when we got back to the united kingdom, they had to pack up and leave in the next three months. i tried to be supportive of them, but i knew they were more worried about being thrown back into the rough that is living where they come from in the united states. being young and looking for a job isn't easy, and they prepared their best for their sudden new reality.
i remember the last few days they were still here. evan was trying to sell everything possible to have enough savings, while dan tried to act like nothing had changed. it was the first time i had seen him like this, the first time i had seen him cry over how his life was going to be.
the last day he was here with me, i remember i got high, and he showed up to hang out one last time. we talked and he mentions how bittersweet leaving was, and how he spent the day crying his endless pain away.
then everything goes blank, and i pass out. when i come back to reality, he's gone, and so was evan.
i was alone again.
the struggle to be alive was hard. i thought nothing but the sweet release of death daily. i spent my time alone in the dark. i either drank, or got high by my lonesome, while i watched everyone in their happiness through a window of social media, or just overhearing it as i went outside to work or run errands. my lacking sickened me, and i saw no way to move on and forget other than to end my life.
one day, i tried to walk into traffic on the way to grab groceries, on an impulse, but whoever that driver was had pretty good brakes and even better situational awareness, because they were inches from running me down. a few days later i completely snapped on a co-worker because she was trying to pry into my life in a very forceful and rude way, and decided to tell my boss she was scared of me, while passive aggressively sending me shitty motivational posters through facebook about the 'grass being greener on the other side'.
it was then, after constant hounding by certain that i didn't mind being around, that i decided to see a therapist again. i say 'again' because i have bad experiences with them, but i met someone who does her job and isn't oblivious to emotions and does her job well.
so after talking with her since november 2016, i've unearthed some pretty terrible things within myself, which causes 'severe depression and anxiety', which have been dating back to my awful childhood and upbringing. couple that with the fact that i struggle to branch out to meet newer people due to refusal of a relapse of the events that happened in turkey happen again, alongside my constant awareness of those that i have known for years wanting move on and distance themselves away from me, makes this 'spiral' that my therapist refers to being a very significant threat that will end my life.
i sit here in the dark yet again, because i find that venting here a good place to unload my thoughts. i've grown out of all my relationships on here, i know i won't get hounded with sudden 'hay man dont do it/i hope everything gets better for u/ur not alone' from people who are as good as strangers now. if i didn't think any of this, i wouldn't be in my current situation. i am alone. there is nothing for me. only people who get paid to do so care or give the slightest shit about me.
i'm trying to change, but i have no idea if i can do it quick enough before i'm gone off the deep end.
if you've read this and you're offended at some point, that's life. it's offensive and doesn't care what you think.
goodbye, for now.